Think about who you are now. Think about all the little details about yourself - the good, the bad, the ugly. What is it about yourself that you like and what is it about yourself that you don’t? Are you in line with who you want to be or are you miles away from the idealized version of yourself?
We don’t often stop to take stock of ourselves. Let me rephrase that, I don’t often stop to take stock of myself - who I am, why I move the way I do. But sometimes, maybe after a couple of drinks or a cheeky edible, I find myself wondering about the person that I am. I start to push further into the layers of myself to question why I am the way I am and why I act the way I do. There are many things I like about myself, frankly, I really do love who I am and wholly accept most of me - wobbly bits and all. However, there are parts of myself that I am ashamed of. Things about myself I desperately want to improve on and unpack. That’s when I feel the gap the most.
The gap between who I am and who I want to be.
I have certain horrible habits, things I’d rather not divulge, that I really do not like about myself. These habits and thought patterns sometimes seep into my behavior in a way that almost feels beyond me. Like this evil little puppeteer in my mind, looking for moments of vulnerability where it can manipulate it. I know acting from that place is wrong, but I can’t help myself somehow. Well, that’s how it feels.
This feeling of standing on the wrong side of a gap (I’m thinking of a word where there is a big empty space, and I'm on the wrong side of it) and looking at who I could potentially be if I got to the other side both terrifies me and incites me. The gap feels so big, too big for little old me to fix it. Gosh, if I haven’t been able to improve for 10 years, HOW AM I GOING TO DO IT NOW?
The secret is that being able to see the other side, being able to envision the you that you want to be, is already the foundation of your growth. I see this gap; maybe I need to build a bridge or a zip line or even just put on bouncier shoes for a good jump across, but I know there are flowers on the other side and a me worth working towards. I know that the person I will be when I arrive is a person who tried very hard to no longer stand on the wrong side of herself. And I desperately want to be her. I desperately want to be the me I know I can be.
I’m not here to offer any advice on how you get across your gap, everyone is different. Some of us may just want to make it halfway across, and some of us may need time to come up with a plan that gets us thinking about how we’re even going to make it. What I am here to say is that if you are able to notice the gap, to mind the gap if you will, you are already on your way to the version of you that you want to be.
On a more personal level, looking into myself and accepting the parts of me that are humiliating, ugly, and painful is important on my journey to self-acceptance. I look at these parts of myself with a gentle touch, not shaming myself for being merely human, even though all I want to do is shame myself for ever feeling such a way. While thinking about these things on my own has helped me, sometimes an outside resource can also be helpful. Meditating, taking courses (wink wink), or therapy. Maybe even all three combined. I recently started speaking to a therapist and she told me that things I feel ashamed of should be approached with curiosity more than anything. And maybe... That’s a good place to start.
